Since I paused blogging many months ago, things have gotten darker. And darker. And darker still.

I have raged into the night, wondering why the warmongering of one man can turn the world into somehow an even more unsafe place.

I have raged as billionaires take fun jaunts into space while the climate emergency somehow remains a debate.

I have raged at the machines that turn out multitudes of pages of eye catching misinformation while instead the quiet, tentative work of the real science being lost in the fray.

I have raged, nauseatingly as once again the bodies of elementary school children are laid to rest with their teachers as their last line of defence against a machine designed only to maim and kill.

I have raged, I have raged, I have raged, and nothing but tears has come of it all.

I have been turning around the wise words of Nadia Bolz-Weber in my head for weeks. This is her reflection in the time after the acquittal of George Zimmerman for the murder of Trayvon Martin.

I had to look at how my outrage feels good for a while, but only like eating candy corn feels good for a while–I know it’s nothing more than empty calories. […] Because maybe if I show the right level of outrage, it’ll make up for the fact that every single day of my life I have benefitted from the very same system that acquitted George Zimmerman. My opinions feel good until I crash from the self-righteous sugar high, then realize I’m still sick and hungry for a taste of mercy.

– Accidental Saints: Finding God in all the Wrong People

The candy corn rage has burned through me. I am heartsick and my stomach is in knots.

I wanted to write my weekly posts for so many reasons, but for so many reasons now it feels trite. What does my voice have to add to a world of screaming rage? What can I add when I really see that my own rage was a distraction from my own privilege?

I am part of a system that hurts people every day. I benefit from that system. And even though I have been trying hard to learn and un learn and re learn, I have been given so much and much is more expected of me.

My rage in my tiny corner of the internet isn’t enough. I’m begging for our world to be better, but my rage isn’t enough.

So I’m here, in my little corner of the internet, promising that I will not confuse my candy corn rage for action, and to show up where and how I can. I can do better, and I will try my hardest to do so. And tell me if you think I’m indulging in candy corn rage again.

But, in my little corner of the internet, I do love sharing and connecting with you. So Some Up posts will return. But let’s talk in real life too – let’s find ways we can make the world a better place together.